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Timing is Everything
Some may say that it's location that counts, but I believe that vibes and karma transcend the miles that a crow flies. My own experiences bear witness to that belief. My marriage was a living testament.

On the rebound from a 4 year college relationship that died a slow and painful death, I took up with the first nice guy I saw about 6 months later. We lived together awhile and since we didn't fight and had fun together the "logical" next step was marriage....He was 21 and I was 23. There was plenty of camaraderie but no love, not in the true sense of the word. Very few know the true meaning at that young age. Within a year or so, I developed a huge crush on somebody else and that is when I realized what a mistake I had made. Newlyweds in a happy union don't do that.

BabyGirl came along several years later cementing the friendly but loveless marriage into a 20 year test of endurance. Over the years I continued to look elsewhere to get my emotional needs met, though physically I was always faithful to the end. I will never forget when my orderly little compartmentalized world came crashing down on me. In my early thirties I became entangled AGAIN, this time with a man who had issues of his own but who, unfortunately, was in a counseling capacity. It's an occupational hazard and he failed to recognize it until I was a goner for him. There was no intentional harm done...his boundaries simply didn't operate as well as they should to be counseling women. As soon as he realized the situation, he referred me to someone for honest-to-God therapy in a near-by city.

I was nervous and scared but warmed up right away to Lucretia and her very pregnant self. When I sobbed and cried about the pain, she simply glowed at me in her earth mother way and said "But Janie...you're GROWING! That's wonderful!". Yeah right. Since it was obvious that I was a long term commitment and she was about to spit out a baby any day, I was referred yet again, to her partner Bev. Another appointment was put on the books for a few weeks later with the new lady.

Weeks turned into months as I drove those 80 miles religiously to suffer ( or so I thought ) under the hands of the evil Bev. She whipped my psyche without mercy until she could see a smidgen of growth, and then left the rest up to me for the next two weeks. It was expensive and time consuming ...no, LIFE consuming for the better part of 2 years. Many an issue came to light on the drives to and from these appointments. When she saw that I was becoming myself, she deliberately pissed me off enough to terminate the therapeutic relationship MYSELF. Smart woman.

That was the beginning of the end of my marriage because I discovered who I was as an adult and none of that fit with how I was living my life. Definition had come to what I actually wanted and needed in a relationship with a man and it simply wasn't there, nor was it possible. The other half has to be willing to grow as well. We stuck it out much longer than we should have "for the child" and "because of the money" and "for our friends and family". Both of us were cheated out of precious youthful years to find our soulmates.

I've been in love several times since then but never in the reciprocal way that I've dreamed of. There's always a catch such as a girlfriend or spouse or location that makes it an impossible dream. A pat on the head or a friendly brother/sister hug. True and warm and real, but........

The longing has subsided at last and has been replaced with a contentment and faith that keep me company during the dark times and cheer me during the good ones. Three years ago, a guy I met asked how long I'd been divorced. " Six months" was my reply. "Not long" he said. At the time I wondered what he meant by THAT. Now I know. The healing process takes time and the more you fight it or put it off, the longer it will be until that sunny day when you can say " It is well with my soul."

"Today, I will be open to the lessons of my present circumstances. I do not have to label, know or understand what I'm learning; for today, trust and gratitude are sufficient."
The Language of Letting Go, June 17
Melody Beattie
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