I guess you can tell right away this ain't bein' written by good ol' Poopie, on accounta she is so smooth and I am so herky-jerky. It is hard for me to stay on point because it is so hard for me to stay on point. Anyway, the writer today is Gene Maudlin and I masquerade as Old Horsetail Snake. I live in Oregon, which is less than "3000 Miles to Graceland," which is in Memphis, Tennessee, which is near where Poopie lives. If you're going to go "3000 Miles to Graceland," like in the movie, you have to start about a thousand miles out in the Pacific Ocean.

You probably don't want to pay any attention to this Graceland movie. One critic said it "should not be reviewed in an arts section but in that portion of the newspaper dedicated to atrocities, environmental disasters and hate crimes." It was so bad it killed off old Elvis.

I live in an Old Folks' Home and like all old people I got plenty of knowledge, which you will soon find out about. What I don't know is in my textbook, shown here. This is The Good Book. For instance, if I wanna look up "Shizolator" I can look in the section under "Q" and it probably won't be there. But of course it shouldn't be. Any fool knows that.

The way I got to be so sharp with information is that I have experienced a lot of things young people have not, like 20/800 vision, Andy Varipapa veins, heart attacks and hip replacements. I have had shingles, and siding too, probably. So I am able to educate you plenty about Tennessee.

My buddy Poopie (who is Poopsie or Janie to me) lives in Dyersburg, Tennessee, which is the county seat of Dyer County, which is in Tennessee. (This is how I educate people; keep sayin' stuff over and over till it sinks into their spongy heads. Did you know an Oreo is so firm it won't soak up much milk on the first dip?)

I owe quite a bit to Tennessee. James K. Polk was a Tennessee guy who became President. The county I live in is called Polk County, named after James K. Polk. If James Polk hadn't become President there would be no Polk County and I would be homeless.

Also, if a Tennessee guy named Davy Crockett hadn't been killed at The Alamo he probably wouldn't be as famous as he is now. You can't say that about Jim Bowie who was also done it at The Alamo because Jim invented a knife that is more famous than he ever was.

Nashville, there in Tennessee, is home to the Grand Ole Opry. I know a young lady, an excellent singer, who is moving to Nashville to get involved in the country music business. She might become President. Who knows? Andrew Jackson moved to Tennessee and became President and he couldn't carry a country tune in a milk bucket. Jackson, known as "Old Hickory" because they didn't have fir trees in Tennessee, made his bones in the War of 1812 killing British people, who have it coming because they talk so funny.

Elvis Presley was born in Mississippi but lived in Memphis, Tennessee. He was last seen pumping gas in Utica, New York. I can't tell you much about the history of New York because George Dewey never got to be President because Harry Truman did.

There is probably more to the history of Tennessee but it's not important. Estes Kefauver never got to be President, either.

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At my home site I always have a favorite word for each day, so you get one too. My favorite word today is sonofabitch. N., sharper image. Def.: A knife conveniently positioned in the dish water so as to cut your thumb when you search for more saucers to rinse.