The little girl grew up
Finally at the age of 40, I went into counseling. My counselor, who was also a psychologist, was teaching a class about how improve your intuition. I don't remember much about the class, but I do remember that I had a feeling that she was going to be the one to lead me down the path to emotional wellness. It was all very serendipitous.
I think her natural ability toward intuition, along with her training as a counselor was exactly what I needed. She knew when I wasn't telling her something, even though I'd become very good at hiding things. She wouldn't let me gloss over anything, even though I do not like to talk about the details. The sessions were intense and often left my emotions exposed and raw. My soul was an open gaping wound for weeks at a time.
I was with her weekly for about six months and felt that we gotten to a point where we had covered everything we needed to cover. I knew I wasn't completely healed, but I also knew that there was nothing more that she could teach me. So I made a plan of action to complete this journey alone.
The first thing I decided was that I would not date anyone for at least one year. No matter how attracted I was to someone, I would not date because I needed to place every bit of energy I had in to my healing. Beyond that, the choices I'd made in the past were a clear indication of how emotionally unhealthy I was. I was not going to take any chance of placing myself in another bad relationship.
Second, I decided to quit pretending that I belonged to a religion that I did not *feel*. I empowered myself by telling my parents this information, even though I knew it would hurt them. I had to start being more authentic and this was a good place to start.
Third, I dedicated Saturdays to doing something creative or fulfilling (hiking, photography, creating things), and Sundays were for reading books about spirituality and relationships. I did this for a year, without fail. I liked how I was feeling so much that I extended that year long commitment for another six months.
It was then that I became a complete and whole person. Two years of working on myself with intense counseling and self discovery. No distracting relationships. Just me.
My sister once shared with me that she could see physical signs that I was going through a complete metamorphosis. She noticed how I completely rearranged the house, repainted the walls, and completely re-landscaped my back yard. She said that watching me change everything about my environment was clearly representative of the changes going on inside of me.
I remember being surprised during this time because I had always been a brown thumb. I couldn't ever get any sort of plant to grow, let alone stay alive. Suddenly, I was planting seeds that grew into beautiful vines and flowers. Not only did they grow and stay alive; they flourished. My sister pointed out something had never occurred to me: The environment I was creating around me was very much a reflection of what was going on inside of me.
Very thought provoking, really.
I am now in a very emotionally healthy relationship. I believe that he was a gift to me as a direct result for my resolve to fix myself. He is a reflection of the good things that came out of those two years. He is supportive and loving, but most importantly, I feel very safe with him.
I feel safe.
Two of the three people that caused that little girl so much pain are dead. My father is dead from a self-inflicted gun shot to the head. My step-father is dead, as a direct result of alcoholism. The third is alive and well. Physically anyway.
Evidence remains, reminding me that I did not have a normal childhood. This simply serves to remind me of how far I've come and how I can rest assured that I can handle anything that life throws in my path. I'm no longer the person I was before the intense self-work, but I am a reflection of that person. I am now able to acknowledge that many of the good things about me are a direct result of my experiences.
I am well.
flushed by poopie on Wednesday, July 20, 2005
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