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dear daddy
All I ever wanted from you was to be a daddy's girl. You know, the kind that can crawl up in your lap and feel safe and loved. I know it was a struggle to make ends meet and that you worked all the time to support us, and I appreciate the effort. Every time I plant something I think about you giving me the faith that believes in the miracle of birth, growth, death and renewal.

It took me many years to realize why you were so angry. Mom explained to me gently over time where you came from and how you didn't know how to love because you had never felt it yourself until you met her. She's an angel like that. I'm grateful that you never hit me or physically harmed me, but your words wounded me on a regular basis. Nothing kills a kid's self esteem quicker than feeling stupid and not good enough, especially a girl child. The therapists helped me to get past that and find forgiveness. The ex used to put me down that way too. Eventually I learned that folks who feel big at the expense of others are pretty sad and not a threat unless you let them be. I noticed a change in your demeanor when BabyGirl was born. She loves you fiercely and on her own terms.

I suppose it's just a thing...what we think we've needed and never got. We discover what the wounds are and heal them ourselves with the help of other pilgrims. We remember the good times and rejoice over the day to day blessings like growing up in paradise. The closest I've ever come to deckin' you were the times that you put HER down in front of us kids. That is just wrong, on so many levels.

It's okay though..I love you anyway. Maybe in heaven you'll tell me first.

daddy and spence
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