Way back when I was a kid, the term "redneck" was a sort of insult to farmers, which I found out the hard way by saying it around my Daddy. He was not amused, but it was Mama who whispered to me quietly what the connotation of the word was in his world. As an adult in therapy I voraciously read everybody from Scott Peck to John Bradshaw seeking to find and heal my "inner child." Last I heard she was still wailing for a candy bar.

Being a redneck is a state of mind, really, and has nothing to do with trailers or huntin' dogs or pickup trucks. My inner redneck child emerged from hiding about the time I gave the spoiled little inner child the boot and decided to be happy with who I was. Now, I can tell that some of y'all might need some pointers on how to find your OWN inner redneck seeing as how y'all live all over the dang country and not in the South. Truth be told, rednecks live in every state of the US plus all over the world. Like I said it's a state of mind that combines a take no prisoners attitude with a deep and abiding respect for all things traditional, familial and collegiate. In the interest of giving you a headstart, I'll post below some of the things that I do on a regular basis to keep my inner redneck alive and kicking:

Listen to John Boy and Billy's Big Show every day on the radio...not only are they and the cast of characters hilarious, the music is classic rock that never disappoints. My favorite character is the Rev. Billy Ray from the Full Gospel Sword of Joshua Tabernacle Church, down by the frontage road. His sermons always end with
"It's time to turn....so y'all don't burn."

Grow something in a garden.....Rosemary and thyme don't count unless you've got some 'maters or corn nearby. I'm just saying.

Know your NCAA football....Here in the South, SEC rules. You may not know a halfback from a sacked quarterback, but you better act like it. And wear something with your school's color and mascot on it for goodness sake. If you're a REAL fan, decorate your den in those colors like my Daddy did. At the very least, fly one of those little flags on your car on game day.

Eat something made from corn....After all, it is a huge crop in the Mid-West and Southeast. If you can't abide plain old corn on the cob ( bless your heart ) there's always cornmeal for dredging and frying or making cornbread. Also tasty are grits and hominy.

Own at least one item with the John Deere emblem on it. 'Nuf said.

Say "yes ma'am and nossir" to your elders. No exceptions, unless you're drinking with them. Then you can call them Uncle Bubba or Aunt Sis.

Watch Blue Collar Comedy at every opportunity. Jeff and Larry and Bill and Ron are poster children for the nouveau redneck and honorable heroes to us veterans. If you watch, but don't admit it, that doesn't count either.

Brush up on your civil war history, or as we like to call it down here "The War of Northern Aggression."...Around these parts, there are battle re-enactments in full costume on a regular basis...and not a damn one of us ever even KNEW anybody who had a slave.

Buy or make a quilt.... Most of us have inherited numerous quilts from generations gone by but if you weren't that fortunate, you can always buy one from one of the many artisans who are still active with the craft. There is nothing like a hand-stiched quilt to keep one warm on a cold winter's night.

Get a pet...Or five. Myself, I have umm..well, probably too many. But they are loyal to me when the rest of the world walks out the door. The dogs wear bandanas and the cats don't wear a damn thing. Just because they don't want to.

Learn to drink tequila. Every redneck worth his or her salt has been in at least one fight to defend something honorable. Nothing guarantees a good old knock down drag out better than a fifth of Jose. Be sure to remind somebody to tell you the next day what the fight was about and how you did. You won't remember.

Know your song lyrics. Especially the classics like "All my Rowdy Friends are Coming Over" and "Redneck Woman." You just never know when you might feel the urge to jump up and sing karoke on a Friday night with your buds.

I could write a book on this, and perhaps someday I will. In the meantime, I'll just shout out to my pal and frequent reader "Redneck Friend" and say howdy. Don't y'all study too hard tomorrow ;)



Oh yeah, and learn about all things southern here. That would include Kudzu.