Y'all all know that I'm a firm believer in the Big Ernie adage that tells about how if he leads you to it, he will lead you through it. To be downright honest, if I hadn't had that faith with me through the years I'd have said to hell with it a long time ago and hit the streets as a hooker or something. I remember when the first mention was made of divorce and from that point on we struggled not to hate each other for three months until the money was there for him to move out. One childhood friend gave me the money for a divorce and another loaned me some a few months later. My brother and parents have helped a LOT. I've never paid any of them back, but they know if I hit the lottery they'll be paid first off the top before I head for Fiji. They say you have to hit the wall and turn it over to him, and this has been a wall kind of week. It's in his hands.

One of the constant figures in my life at the Methodist church is a man who began years and years ago as the first "youth director" at the church. He was young and the kids adored him, especially the teenagers. Spending several years building a solid foundation for an on-going program involving parents, he chose later to become a minister. He left the year before BabyGirl got old enough to be in his group. She was devasatated, and church was never the same again for her. There was a succession of folks who did their best with an exceptionally rowdy and obnoxious bunch of teenagers. Years later, Wade came back to our church as the associate pastor, bringing a beautiful wife and 2 children to the ministry. This month, he will leave to become the pastor of another UMC in a nearby town. Taking his place, ironically(?) is the fellow who led the tiny country UMC in nearby Trimble that I attended right after my divorce. Dontcha just love it when that happens?

I don't go much anymore....only when there's a funeral of the spirit tells me it's time. Those faithful believers surround me every day in every area of my life and give me the courage to keep going...and to actually LAUGH about it! I saw one of 'em at the grocery store today, a guy that used to lick his fingers and turn the pages of the Bible right next to me while we talked about what it all meant. There's an occasional e-mail from a fellow alto who sang beside me for years. I sat through one annual conference of area churches as a delegate and stayed confused the whole time over the rules and rituals. I do better on a simplistic level like do unto others and such. I actually cry when I think about how folks suffer during the process of dying in a hospital with aggressive treatment marring their last days. Hospice is a passion in my life that will never go away and so many families could be spared pain and suffering if they were more knowledgeable about the concept. Like in the old days, ya know?

I'm to the point where every day counts twice as much as yesterday and how I spend it is my decision. First thing I ought to consider is practicin' what I preach which is let it go. And don't take it back.

There's something really peaceful about the spot AFTER the pain of smacking that wall. Keep the faith. ^j^