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acting as if

I don't shake easily these days because I've already seen so much and weathered some crises that I never thought I'd live through. I've learned that while "do unto others" is what Big Ernie likes, not all people buy into that theology, especially when it comes to money. Unless somebody dies or we're suddenly homeless, it just doesn't register on my radar as something to worry over.

I read between the lines of a letter today that concerns the future of me and my family and what I saw there scared me. I held the tears in all day at work but the sobs busted out with a fury as soon as my butt hit the seat of the Camry in the no-parking zone at the sawmill where we will soon all dress alike. Having not had a meltdown in awhile, I let 'er rip until the sobs came out. Yes, even smartasses have bad days. This lasted during the trip home with a few stops along the way, people gazing at me with concern over the red eyes and the obvious grief. Nobody said a word except for Yaya. Chin up :) I'm trying.

Here's the funny thing about faith that I've noticed along the road. If you believe that there's a plan and that all you have to do is show up and play your part then things don't seem near as scary as if you're doing it all on your own. Which I'm not. Letting go has become, if not an automatic behavior, one that I can reach to when things are particularly rough. Beats the hell out of takin' to the bed with smelling salts, ya know?

And so, with that in mind, I will act as if it's almost my birthday and act as if everything will work out the way it's intended to. There will be music and food and good friends and a fire and I'll pretend to be the little girl with the birthday crown on at kindergarten whose mom just brought cupcakes for the whole class so everybody likes her best.

And this? "This too shall pass." Mr.Yates
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